The title of this post is inspired by the Texas Rangers Baseball Team.
I can no longer contain my excitement. Let me start off by
saying my relationships are usually comical to outsiders, therefore, if this
turns into anything, I plan on blogging about it for sheer comedic relief to my
readers.
Now, onto the potential subject of these next few blog
posts, we are going to call him DW (unlike Arthur’s kid sister on the ever so
popular PBS show). He is… well… a baller. We met at church camp as counselors.
His touch of swag is definitely a plus, but even more than that, HE LOVES
JESUS. As a Christian musician and recording artist, he has a champ-level
mission field. His adopted little sister is a freaking doll. Her little Asian
eyes will make me melt in a heartbeat I just know it. So, he bought me tickets
to a Rangers game just for the hell of it thus prompting me to make a
spontaneous trip out to Dallas IN TWO DAYS. Mind you, I haven’t laid eyes on
this guy for over three months. It should be interesting to say the very least.
I really do think this is meant to happen, in the least corny and anti-“star
alignment” way possible.
I AM FREAKING OUT ABOUT MEETING HIS PARENTS FOR THE FIRST
TIME. Wahhhhhh. I have never been hated from a first impression, but what if I
totally and completely stick my foot in my mouth?! Like “Hey DW’s mom and dad.
Bet you like hot balls don’t you? Poop. I mean don’t you like your meatballs
served hot… well, onto other dinner conversation…” FAIL. Or they ask me how I
like school and I reply “I effing love college!” **trails off as to not step into
more stupidity**. BALL SACKS. I can feel it now. Foot in mouth here I come. I
might as well not wear shoes. Classsssy.
And the game **insert
suspenseful music here**. What if I accidentally trip on a jumbo corndog and
knock myself out in all my Rangers apparel then ruining the game for the entire
group? Great. DON’T SCREW THIS UP, BLYTHE. GET IT TOGETHER, GIRL.
When in doubt, quote
a classic comedy like Dumb and Dumber or Tommy Boy. Never fails. Don’t agree
with him on everything or you’ll look like you’re trying too hard. Be easy
going. Don’t be late. Keep up when he is waking. Don’t make him feel dumb in
front of his friends, or ever for that matter. Tell him he looks good. Treat
him like a man. Don’t over power the conversation. Tell him things about your
personal life more than what your favorite Sonic drink is. Don’t cuss in front
of him; you’ll look like a trashy broad. Let him know you’re paying attention
to the little things he mentions about himself. Find things you can speak
highly of about his family. Don’t eat too much. Don’t mess around with your
phone; it can wait. Don’t be a whiney girl; suck it up. Don’t call yourself
fat. Don’t say you’re ugly. That’s begging for attention. Stop it. Thank him
when he compliments you and respect him in a worthy manner. He is a human.
Bro, I’m going to
kill this weekend. Fingers crossed. Here goes nothing.
Keep Ripping,
Blythe Anderson
